yay i got back from vacation yesterday. Miami was great. and now that i'm back i actually do feel relaxed for once. and this vacation gave me time to clear my head a realize alot of things.

have you  ever seen that movie, American history X? its kind of messed up and its about racism and prejudice and stuff. towards the end the main character has a short monologue...and he says...hate is baggage. and thats what i now believe. Before i used to get angry at alot of people. I used to obsess about what they said and did, especially in referance to me. And i would slowly build up these feelings inside of how much i hated them. But how that does that help anyone? People use words to get out thier agression. Calling people names and making up lies. But now i've realized that that is a pure waste of time. Calling someone a slut isnt going to improve your self-esteem. Telling someone that they are ugly isnt going to make you prettier. So why do people waste so much time and energy on simply hating others? I am no one to be preaching becuase i've definatley been guilty of hating someone, but honestly, who hasn't? i'm just thankful that i realized what a waste it is. Why should i care what people say or do. Why should i change myself in order the make people like me. If they dont i shouldnt care. I am who i am. Smart, funny, sarcastic, nice, hyper, and completely crazy. And i do take pride in those characteristics. but what i most enjoy is being able to think for myself. i mean yeh being alone sometimes sux but its better than following everyone else and having an empty void instead of a brain. During my vacation i met sooo many people. i had a great time and i didnt worry about anyone judging me. Its wierd how i can be myself around total strangers but not around people at school. I feel like a wieght has been lifted from my shoulders. The realization that.. no there's nothing wrong with me is allowing me enjoy life without worrying about anyone else. Now it all comes down to a sinlge question. Why do i care? I dont have to impress anyone. And i dont feel the need to show off. And whatever it is that other people do, you just have to say ok good for you and move on. Becuase there is more to life than bragging about how much you party or how many ppl you've h/u with. People spend so much time building an image of themselves, of who they wish to be. They try to convince everyone that they are worth being freinds with. fuck it i say! I dont need other people to validate myself. I have a great life and im fucking thankful for it. and yes sometimes i complain about how much it sux and how nobody likes me but i know what i have in the end. my family loves me, i get good grades, and i have good freinds. I feel like all the shit that i stressed out about has been wiped away from my mind. and now im free to finally start being myself and not caring. There are good and bad things about everyone. Nobody is perfect right? So we cant waste time picking at everyone's faults. just do your own thing, have fun with life, and never hide who you truly are.

annnd i'm back.

midterms next week and i havent started studying. getting lazy...not good. I havent written in the Ddarko book. i think i've been having writers block since canada. its like i have nothing to write about anymore. Everything seems redundant. so yeh update time. i'm in the middle of applying to dwight, my dad left, and i found out im goin to cambridge in the summer instead of french exchange. anyways time for bed. i'll write something good soon

finally came home from canada yesterday. it was fun while it lasted. now im back to my uninteresting life in jersey. no drinking, no dancing in cages. just school and midterms to worry about. as if going back to school doesnt suck enough, i have to go back on my birthday. not like it matters its just the anniversary of an insignificant day. nothing special happened. i figured out my new years resolution. its to stop trying to please everyone and just be myself. i know its corny but o well. i mean, why do i have to let what people think of me get in the way. my sister helps me realize alot of shit, mostly indirectly but still. she's always had good friends and i think i kno why. cuz she simply....doesnt give a fuck. which shall be my new policy lol  I ....dont give a fuck. about anyone who judges me. from now on i'm gonna do things the way i wanna do them, and act the way i wanna act. its impossible to make every1 like you. every time i come to my sis about a problem w/ someone she's like ok screw them you're better tell them to fuck themselves w/ a blunt spooon....lol but yeh i do look up to her she seems to have it all. friends, ppl who love her cough cough, brains.... damnit i hope all of this is inherited through genes. anyways im just gonne let go of everyone thats been holdin me back. be myself, and if that pisses people off, well they'll just have to deal with it.